Not saying I don’t do any of these things, but I’m just going to list and explain how Indian girls have some serious problems, because I have been noticing these a lot lately and IM ANNOYED AS FUCK.
- Why must you gossip like a maniac? Why is that your only pass time? Have you no hobbies? No…
HAHAH so true!
My cousin recently got married and during the run up to the wedding it was standard Asian protocol to spend each and every weekend traipsing around Southall. I knew venturing into Southall would be an ordeal; having to haggle with shop keepers and trying to prevent yourself being run over whilst running in the middle of the road because the pelican crossing is just too far away from Monga’s, was enough to put me off going there altogether. But what I didn’t anticipate or count on was the stares that I would have to endure.
Now, I definitely am not even beginning to suggest that people were staring at me because of my grace, beauty and height (although they would be forgiven if that was their motive), so please dispel the thoughts of me being a delusional, self-obsessed and vein individual immediately. At first I thought that perhaps I had a leftover jalebi on the corner of my mouth, courtesy of Jalebi Junction of course, but then when I happened to find no residue of my cheeky snack left on my face, I was bemused. I wasn’t flaunting my ankle at the Asian nation, actually there was no skin bar my hands and face on show, nor was I behaving inappropriately. So why then did I find myself victim to a handful of stares and glares from complete and utter strangers?
Upon closer examination I noticed that the ‘eyeballers’ as I have come to call them, weren’t old men or young boys, but they were in fact girls, women, females- whatever you want to call them. I have always been a firm believer that women only dress well for other women so it was never a surprise to me when I saw girls checking out other girls- the behaviour we usually deem derogatory is universally acceptable when it is another girl. What was a shock however was the fact that it was only Asian girls who happened to be staring in my direction.
When I went shopping in Westfield I put my theory to the test and slap-my-aunt-and-call-her-Penelope, the same results arose. Every single Asian girl I passed stared. Then when they saw another Asian girl what did they do? Yep, you’re right- they stared. Since discovering these Nobel Prize worthy findings, I have noticed it even more and have come to the conclusion that Asian girls love to ogle other Asian girls, that or they are all in possession of a genetic predisposition that makes them fancy people who are brown skinned.
What I want to know is why? Why singularise your stares to just the brown female population? I’m pretty sure there are other equally as well-dressed and straight haired girls out there who would love to be the centre of your universe for about 30 seconds. So what is it that makes Asian girls let their glances linger for longer than what is acceptable? I know you’re probably hoping for a conclusion as my blog posts usually climax in a resolution of some sort but on this occasion I really do not have the answers. All I know is that next time I’m running around Southall and I see a fellow Asian girl with a deer-caught-in-headlights gawp I will not be responsible for the ladoo that will go flying in her direction. In the meantime it will be good to note that- Hell Hath no fury like an Asian Girl who is being stared at. Read and take warning. LMB X
Picture this: You’re sitting on the train on a Monday afternoon, casually playing Temple Run on your phone and as you arrive at the next station a group of boys hop onto your carriage. You’re not really paying that much attention because your helmet-clad man in Temple Run has just tripped over a tree branch, but then you hear IT. You hear those words that make your skin crawl: ‘Yo buff stuff.’ You look up and see a lad staring straight at you with his Moschino jeans hanging half way down his pancake bum. Trying to hold in your disapproving and quite frankly disgusted snort you go back to your phone but his ‘chirpse’ continues: ‘Yo, I’m chattin to you.’ So by this point you’re actually visibly pulling faces because for one, an illiterate hood rat is trying to speak to you in an unfamiliar language and secondly, his eyebrow has been slit about nineteen times- two things that leave you running for the hills.
So I know I’m going to sound like an old granny with a knitting needle and a cuppa, but seriously, where the hell did the good guys go? What ever happened to the guys who can speak English and don’t think screaming ‘What’s your digits?’ across the train is an acceptable form of asking somebody out? Seeing as this happens to me every time I get approached, I can only assume that either I have ‘Thug Life’ tattooed on my forehead or the mass population of boys are being bred in this way.
Say for example, I did take one of these ‘charming’ boys up on their offer and went on a date to the local park or wherever it is that they wine and dine their ‘chicks’, how would we even communicate? I’d be speaking in Queen Lizzy’s English and turn up in my cute dress and pumps and he’d greet me with a slap on the ass and have his boxers dragging across the floor like he’s just fresh off of the toilet. Not exactly a recipe for success.
Don’t get me mistaken- I am sure that these guys are perfectly nice human beings, but with vocabulary that makes a drunken freshy sound like Prince Charles, there is going to be no romance blossoming. Ever. And don’t even get me started on boys who arm themselves with the argument, ‘It’s cos of where man is from innit,’ – really? Regardless of whether you were raised in Southall or Egham, the English Dictionary remains the same. The curriculum is also consistent across the country and I’m 99% confident that schools in particular areas do not encourage you to use ‘Bless’ as a way to say goodbye.
So next time you boys in question see a ‘peng ting’ you like the look of, why not pick up your trousers, take off your fake Versace sunglasses and your Western International Market-bought earrings and try and hold a conversation that doesn’t involve the words ‘bare’, ‘bruv’ or ‘wagwan’. Maybe, just maybe you might then walk away with something other than a punch. LMB X
Okay, get your heads out of the gutter- contrary to what the title of the blog post suggests; I will unfortunately not be talking about faking that. In fact this post will be all about the wonderful world of fake eyelashes, hair extensions, makeup and all the other beauty enhancing and falsifying products there are.
So the other day I was doing a bit of charity work and talking to my two younger cousins. The conversation went from discussing pleasantries such as the weather and the football, to them commenting on the amount of ‘cake’ I had on my face. After informing them that I do not in fact wear foundation, I decided to ask them who they thought wore the most makeup in the family. Honestly, I was under the impression that the conversation would take an interesting turn and alleviate the spotlight from me, but when they shifted around uncomfortably after I asked the question I knew that shit was gonna go down. Being the intellectual University Graduate that I am, I put two and two together and realised that shock, horror, they actually believe that I wear the most makeup in my large and typically-Indian sized family!
This innocent chat I was having with my cousins later inspired me to analyse my face for about an hour in the mirror that night (20 minutes longer than I usually do) and also ignited my inner conscious who began to reprimand me for layering it on like atta (flour in Punjabi).
But then after fixing one of my hair extensions that was hanging off my scalp, I had an epiphany- who the hell cares if I wear so much make up; wear hair extensions; elongate my lashes with falsies? Obviously all of these products are made for a reason and in a day and age where your looks can land you a promotion and an eligible bachelor, why the hell shouldn’t I fake it till I make it? I’ve met so many people this last year who are soooooo against girls wearing makeup and even go as far as insulting them because they do, but then I take one look at them and think, maybe you sour-faced, judgemental natural-beauty-lovers should try it.
I don’t care that I can’t meet up with my friends or go to work without at the very least applying mascara, blusher and lipstick. I feel prettier in makeup so I don’t know why people think I do it to make boys look at me or to give me more confidence because I’m so insecure. No. I do it because I can and let’s face it regardless of how beautiful you think you are without makeup; you look a million times better with it.
So next time I want to go out looking like Coco the Clown, Skittles and Crayola puked all over me, just leave me be goddammit. I bet those bags under your eyes, that scabby spot and straggly hair of yours is your idea of ‘natural beauty’ and if it is, honey, you can keep it. LMB X
So I’m driving to work this morning, singing along to some Justin Bieber and basically minding my own business. I’m mid verse into ‘Boyfriend’ and you can imagine my surprise when I’m trying to hit a high note and a cyclist emerges from my left-hand side, completely blind-sided me. So my high note turned into a scream and then consequently that resulted in anger and that led to some fierce beeping on my behalf.
Now I don’t have a problem with people wanting to cycle their way through life, although why they can’t just be normal and buy a car is beyond me. I just have a serious issue with these cyclists thinking that they should be allowed on the road. It’s like you cycle at 2 miles per hour and then you cause traffic because we all have to swerve around you and then on top of that you stick your arms out and think that’s an acceptable form of indicating. It’s not by the way. And don’t get me started on all the gear they wear to try and look professional. It’s bad enough that you’re wearing a skin tight t-shirt but the cycling shorts? Just because you are riding a bike does not mean you have to dress up like you’re competing in the Olympic Final.
Those of you who don’t drive will not understand this. You won’t know the irritation it causes when a cyclist thinks they own the road. So to put it into relatable context, imagine this: You’re walking down the road and out of nowhere you see a turd on the floor. So to avoid the turd you move out the way but then you bump into another turd and it’s blocking your footpath. Now to get around this turd your only option is to walk into the road quickly. Not only is it unsafe, but you think to yourself what right does this turd have to be on the path when it could be on the grass. That my friends, is exactly what a driver feels about cyclists. They are the turds to your footpath.
I don’t think I’m the only one who gets agitated having to drive at snail pace behind a fluorescent-clad cyclist. Haven’t you seen the YouTube videos of that cyclist who gets attacked by a woman who is so fed up that she jumps out of her car? Hormones, female driving and a slow cyclist is a concoction you do not want to be involved in.
So next time you cyclists decide to take a little ride on the main road, why not just go to your left slightly… a bit more, erm and just a little bit more, until you are back with the turds on the footpath. LMB X
(via fortheloveofpink)
Okay, being 5’10” I have battled with this issue my whole adult life. I’ve seen my fellow giraffe’s in clubs wearing them and have even seen them shoulders above the rest in Westfield, but what I want to know is, is it ever attractive or acceptable for super tall girls to wear heels? Do we tall girls who stick on a pair of 6 inchers look clownishly tall, or do we in fact look quite super model-esque?
We’ve read all the mags, celeb interviews and fashion blogs that tell us that guys find girls in heels sexy, but what about when those heels in question make her look taller than you? Is it still sexy then or does it emasculate you? This is my problem, living in Indian culture where many of the people I come into contact with are either my height or slightly smaller, it can become pretty awkward. Like when a guy comes over to chat you up and then you stand up and it turns out his eyes are adjacent to your nose. With heels this is only going to get worse right? I know I’m being really generic in saying that the masses of males in my culture are short, but truthfully it really seems like they are! And although I’m single I can’t help but think what I’m going to do on my wedding day. Like what if my guy is just my height? What shoes will I wear? Nobody looks great wearing a 150 tonne, Christmas tree-looking outfit, with a flat sandal poking out from underneath. Sigh.
But then on the other hand, I have seen girls pull it off so well. Let’s take Taylor Swift as an example. At 5’11” she’s taller than me and yet still walks the red carpet in sky high heels. So why doesn’t she look stupid? Maybe it’s because she’s so confident in her skin that she knows heel are not going to put a man off. Or perhaps it’s because she doesn’t care what people think of her height? Orrrrrr it could even be that she likes wearing heels and likes looking even taller? Whatever it is, it hasn’t stopped her from bagging some of the most eligible bachelors in Hollywood (have you seen the abs on Taylor Lautner?!). Puts things into perspective doesn’t it?
Maybe the fact is that tall people who don’t mind being tall actually don’t even consider why they shouldn’t wear heels? They don’t see themselves as too tall for heels; they see themselves as every other woman and would rather tower over men than have to compromise their fashion sense.
So then now would be a good time for me to throw out my wardrobe full of Vans, Converses, Uggs and pumps, but will I? Nah… Because seriously, who wants to be taller than a boy? LMB X
Okay this is my first blog post and I want to complain/bitch/moan. Yes, I know it’s not correct blog etiquette to begin greetings on a sour note but this has just gone on for waaaaaay too long and somebody has to make a stand before shit gets out of control. Without further ado, the topic of my mid-morning outburst is…… wait for it ……. Leggings!
So, I know you’ve all seen them. Those girls that parade around the high streets, clubs and workplace ruining their perfectly trendy, Kim Kardashian inspired outfits with hideously thin, border line see-through leggings!
Now where they get these leggings from is one mystery, but more baffling is why they wear them? Can they not see that their underwear- and in most extreme cases their CELLULITE- is visible? Do their friends not tell them that they look like street corner floozies? It is just WRONG. I mean I’m not trying to say that I’ve never made a fashion faux pas. I’m more than able to admit that I have worn too tight jeans that leave my muffin top spilling over, but I’m sorry, see-through black leggings are hands down the most horrific fashion crime ever!
People reading this will probably put it down to an economic issue, questioning whether it’s those who have less money to splurge on clothes who are victims of this rant. But I really don’t think it is a matter of money or class. Look at Sofia Vergara. One of the world’s most beautiful actresses, who has an accolade of acting gigs under her belt and oh yeah millions of pounds/dollars stashed in the bank. Then why was she recently caught with her thong peeping through her leggings on a shopping trip? Yeah, okay, there was no cellulite to bitch about but still, why did her family, boyfriend, friends or stylist let her out of their god damn sight like that? It’s like for god sake you’re better off going out in a pair of 10 denier tights, so it at least looks like you’re trying to look trashy.
What could possibly be sexy about a pair of leggings that literally reveal not only tomorrow’s laundry, but also that mole you have just left of your bum cheek? NOTHING is the answer. ABSOLOUTELY NOTHING! So next time you’re looking for a bargain in Primark, just think that by spending an extra tenner, you could preserve your dignity and also hide the fact that you’ve worn the same underwear for two days straight. If anything was killing a bird with two stones, this is it. LMB X
